IN OVER MY HEAD (2)

I had lost all hope,  it seemed to me that there was no going back.

    Then it came,  in my most miserable state, that glorious presence that heightens the beauty in everything. He was with me.  Oh what joy filled my heart! He did not desert me after all. He touched me and I felt the warmth, I felt the love He had for me.  I then remembered all that I had done,  I was scared, I didn't deserve His love, anyone's for that matter. He immediately knew how I felt,  I could see it in His eyes,  It was as though He could feel what I felt. The tears started again,  "go away from me, I'm undeserving of Your love, a failure that I am". "Hush..... " He said,  He pulled me close, wrapped me in His arms and whispered in my ear, "I love you".  It was then the truth hit me. He loved me still, that I was crushed to Him did not matter. I could see from the way His eyes shone that He did not see in me the failure that I saw, He could see no wrong in me, I was perfect. By telling me He loved me. He said it all. It was not merely an expression, it was an expression of a fact.

   I was forever changed, I then understood that His word is my reality. Circumstances don't make my reality, what He says about me does. That I stumble and fall again and again does not make His love for me dwindle. His love gave me love, with it came hope, peace, faith and joy. I couldn't but love Him with my very being. I even love Him because He first loved me. 

   His love settled it all, there was no suicide, Now, I know I have something to live many lives for. Whatever comes my way, I know we are in it together. Now like Jenn Johnson I can sing "Whether I swim, whether I sink, it makes no difference". This manner of love I still cannot comprehend, He is love Himself. I shall continue to plumb the depths and climb the heights but as I've found, there's no end to it. Even now I am still in over my head,  but beautifully so, beautifully in over my head.

          

IN OVER MY HEAD

      "You're at it again", I said to myself.
It sure had started again. It was evident in my eyes,  I could feel the ferocious storm they call fear in my heart. My head was pounding terribly!  There was no way I could stop the tears from flowing. My heart kept swelling in my chest like it was going to burst. There was no questioning it,  I was definitely having another one of my many "moments". My head began to pound like it always does when I cry hard.
      "I have failed!" , there was definitely no way the tears could stop now. My heart shattered,  there was no one to talk to, none to share my burden with.  I was very much disappointed in myself,  how could I have done that!  I had very great plans and much confidence in my abilities. Everyone told me I had great potentials,  "What happened?!!!! ", I cried out,  "What went wrong?!" I screamed,  "What did I do wrong?!!!" I thought I would have been able to stop it, I thought I had it all under control.  It happened all of a sudden,  just like a balloon , it popped in my face. It all came crashing down like a sand castle in the rain.
   Out of the blues,  I remembered what they always say,  that there's someone who is always willing to hear,  someone in whom you can always confide. They  say,  you can cast all your cares upon Him, perhaps it will work,  I'll give it a try I thought. So,  I sat very still,  tried to be as calm as possible but nothing!  I was expecting to hear that voice but it never came,  I felt worse,  "even He is refusing to help, perhaps He too has deserted me". Fresh rivers of tears gushed out from my eyes, "I'm going to put an end to this miserable life of mine".  I was definitely in over my head. 
   

Love and Perfection (2)

           LOVE AND PERFECTION (2)


        So….. I got a couple of questions as regards the last post and i know I’m going to get many more on this. I already had a picture of what this post was going to be about but I needed to summon courage to put it up and guess who’s finally showing so much courage, me!  Also, we treated a topic in criminal law class; sexual offences and I got to discover many loopholes in the laws guiding this but that is a topic for another day, anyways, that gave me the motivation I needed to put this up.  This is the next story but our character remains the same, our very own Ruth. She is just a perfect example of one who has been  redeemed by God’s love. Ruth would have never thought that one could harbor so much love for her, that one could feel so greatly about her the way God does, like she always says, it’s a love affair!  She could never have imagined that she would be able to give out so much too but thank God for His grace, indeed it is true that you automatically have a mantle to help others wherever  the devil has hurt you.
     So our story begins,  Ruth had left Aunt Susan’s place when this happened. She was already staying with mom, it was a holiday, she told her mom she wanted to spend it with her uncle (mom’s brother) and his family because she immediately fell in love with them when she went visiting. Her mom agreed, she knew them to be nice people so, she saw no harm in itAs at this time, she was ten years old.
    It was great, all she did most of the time was sleep, eat and watch tv until that f afternoon it started. Her uncle as usual had gone to work and her aunt had gone out too with her little son, so she was home alone with her aunt’s niece, Titi who had come for the holiday too and a guy they both called ‘uncle Ray’ (lets call him that because she can’t remember his name now and she didn’t even know the relationship he had with the family) because he was at least 20 years older than they were.  Before that day, she had noticed that Ray was always looking at her in a funny way, she had caught him staring at her several times and he always gave her a scary smile. Titi had noticed too and they both did not like him. Titi did not hidethe fact that she did not like him, she was always rude to him but Ruth wasn’t one to hurt people’s feelings intentionally, she still isn’t, so she was nice to him even though he scared her.
Now, our story is about to get serious. That afternoon, she was in the sitting room with Titi but she left to get something in the room (she can’t remember what it is now), Ray walked in with that annoying smile on his face, looking like he was going to swallow her. He bolted the door, she at that instant knew he was up to something very terrible, she cowered back in fear, and he made to grab her but suddenly changed his mind. He unlocked the door, turned back and told Ruth that he liked her because she was a very nice girl and then walked out.  It was at the instant that sheknew something very terrible was going to happen but she didn’t know who to tell and she also found it very difficult to confide in people, she just didn’t know how to tell people things especially the very important matters.
 Fast forward to a few days later, Ruth was asked to go get some clothes on the line, she was about to open the door when she felt someone grab her from behind, it was Ray. She very easy to lift up because she was so tiny, he carried her up with just one hand, pulled her close to him and covered her mouth with the other. Because he was so big and she was tiny, that hand not only covered her mouth but her nose too, she was suffocating, he touched her everywhere, she struggled, he forced his mouth on hers, she bit him, she was trying hard to escape from him when her aunt called out her name. he immediately let her go and threatened to kill her if she told anyone he had come on to her, he brought out a pen knife from his pocket and said he was going to slice her throat with it if she even said a word concerning it. She was very scared, if he could have tried that with everyone at home, she didn’t want to imagine what he would do if she was left alone with him. Her mom called that night as usual to check on her, Ruth didn’t know what stopped her from asking her mom to come get her, if it was the beautiful face of her aunt, the sweet voice of her cousin or if she was under a spell. She told her mom all was well and that she was enjoying her holiday even though that had stopped earlier in the day. The next day, Ray’sfiancée came around, she was so pretty and nice. Ruth found it hard to believe that someone that nice would be getting married to him. She overheard them discussing with her aunt that Ray would be leaving the next week because they had finally found a nice apartment and he had a  good job. Ruth felt so happy, like the torture was going to end because she couldn’t walk freely in the  house in fear that he’ll try to hurt her again and the annoying stares were getting creepier. Two days later, Titi, whom she loved to call her bodyguard left and she got even more scared.
    It finally happened, her uncle, aunt and her cousin were sleeping in their room, she was watching tv and felt sleepy, she thought she was the only one awake. Shewas on her way to her room when he grabbed her, she struggled but he was too strong, he brought out that pen knife again and said he was going to use it on her if she made a sound. He laid her down on the cold floor, she looked up at him and all she could see was that annoying smile. She was not scared, she stopped struggling maybe because she already saw it coming, she just wanted him to get done with it but surprisingly he turned her on her back, pulled down her skirt and ripped out what was left. He then told her he was going to do it through her back so nobody would notice much if at all anything came up.  She did not struggle, she was in so much pain, and the pain she was felt on her inside was more than what she felt from the damage that his fingers in her were causing. Her heart hurt more than her body did, it felt like it was on fire and like it was going to burst at the same time.  She felt like she was dying inside, she could not stop the tears, he touched her everywhere and kept telling her it was her fault he was being like that with her, she felt violated. It went on and on and on for what seemed like forever but it finally stopped.  She was in so much pain, the tears did not stop for even a second, she struggled to pull herself up, he stood there watching her struggle to even stand. He then went into his room,  that smile never left his face.  Ruth had to crawl into her room, she then went into the bathroom, she was bleeding, she never made a sound.  Her mind was blank, she did not feel hatred for him, she did not even feel anything at all. She triedto stretch out on her bed, she could not even do that properly and the tears  continued to flow, in no time, her pillow was soaked and sfew he did not know when she fell asleep.

       The next morning, Ruth’s aunt came in to wake her, she woke up screaming and struggling with her aunt until she realized who it was. She wanted to know what was wrong but Ruth said she wasn’t feeling well and she was in bed all day, .  Two days later, she was passing by her aunt’s room when she overheard her conversation with Ray. Her aunt told him that she had noticed him looking at Ruth in a very funny way she did not like, she said she wanted him to leave or she’ll report him to her husband. He tried to argue with her, he feignedannoyance but this did not move her aunt. Ruth just had to smile, it was already too late, he had satisfied himself. Ray came out and saw her, that smile returned again, he moved out the next day and the annoying smile never left his face. She did not say anything to him, she hadn’t said a word to him since that night.

       Our dear little Ruth experienced terrible things as a child, at a point, she thought she just wasn’t worth loving, that her existence probably did not matter to anyone but God proved her wrong. She knows now that she is a recipient of the greatest love ever; God’s love. It overwhelms her and she knows she is very dear to Him, He sees as perfect, without blemish and she has learnt to see herselfin the light of His word.  Now she knows He cares about even the tiniest detail about her, He even knows the total number of the strands of hair she has. She is perfect in Him.
      There is one story left in this series and its about how little Ruth discovered God’s love for her. It comes up soon!

love and Perfection

Love and perfection

    First of all, i apologize for my disappearance, it wasn’t planned. I lost my phone and my laptop was involved n a terrible accident but thank God I’m back and better. I really missed being here; there were so many things to say but no way to relate them to you.
     Today I’ll be talking about love and perfection. Many times we are told love is caring for people despite their obvious flaws and this is very true. Romans 5:8; but God demonstrated His love for us that even while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. We were nowhere near perfect when this happened but as a result of this love, we are now made perfect, love creates perfection. He chose to love us even in our imperfect state, love is a choice. He demonstrated His love, love is an act. We’ll examine these traits of love but first let me tell you three stories. Don’t just be entertained by them, pay attention to details. Let’s start with Ruth’s story.

    There was a little eight year old who had seen far too many things for her age, her name was Ruth. Ruth was born to a teenage mother and lost her father at just three months of age. Her mom had to continue schooling so she had to go stay with grandma. Grandma died, so she had to stay with her great uncle, grandma’s younger brother. His wife died so she had to go stay with her aunt, mom’s elder sister. Ruth was a very smart girl who knew how to deal with matters far beyond her years. She had seen so many things in her young age, enough to last a long time, you can say she was too old for her age but she was nevertheless very young at heart. I’m not saying this so you feel pity for her but only so you know where she came from. So many things happened to this little child but I want to relate her experience with Aunt Susan.
     Our story starts with Ruth at her aunt’s place. Now Ruth stays with Aunt Susan, a beautiful fair lady whose husband is well to do and had a daughter, who was only three years old and just too spoilt, you get the picture. Now our Ruth is very endearing, yes! Everyone who meets her falls in love with her, she is intelligent, petite, pretty and very respectful. Ruth was in Primary 5, school had only resumed for the first term in the session when the incident occurred. The English teacher started teaching letter writing and asked the students to write a letter to their fathers. She wrote hers too and scored highest even though it was to an imaginary father. The fine arts teacher started a project of making cards out of cardboards and designing them by gluing glitters, etc with the students. Ruth thought about combining these two things and decided she was going to write a letter to her uncle (Aunt Susan’s husband) thanking him for all he had done for her. Ruth really loved him, he paid her tuition fees, got her presents, took her out with his daughter, made sure she lacked nothing. She saw him as her hero.
     Later that day, she was done with her chores so, she retreated to that little quiet and dark corner she loved so much because it gave her the solitude she loved [she still loves the dark]. She had no cardboard to use so she decided to tear out the middle page of her assignment note and started to write;

   Dear Dad,
       I write this letter to thank you and to say I love you. Thank you very much for everything. Even though you’re not my real dad, you do not show it. You buy me gifts and take me to beautiful places where I have fun. You always smile at me and allow me watch cartoon on Cartoon Network with your daughter. You don’t like it when I do so much work and this is the best place I have…
    Aunt Susan walked that moment in and asked Ruth what she was up to and she told her she was writing dad a letter. She collected it from her, read it and laughed out loud. She told Ruth she was a very stupid girl for writing that letter. She insulted her, called her mother promiscuous and her father irresponsible. She told Ruth her father in his grave was a very mad man and that his irresponsible relatives abandoned her and that they had not heard from them since she was a year old. Ruth was shocked to hear this; she never knew her dad was late and that his relatives had abandoned her. She never knew the circumstances surrounding her birth because she never asked. At this point, she was in tears but her Aunt Susan wasn’t done yet. She said the little girl was a fool for daring to point out that her husband wasn’t her real dad and that if she wanted her natural father, she should wake him up from the grave. Aunt Susan wasn’t still done, she tore the letter; she went in, brought out a cane and flogged Ruth senseless and rubbed pepper on her scars. Little Ruth cried like there was no tomorrow. She wasn’t even given a minute for the pains to subside, she was set to work immediately and Aunt Susan warned her off her husband, told her she mustn’t be too close to him and that she dare not breathe a word of the incident to him. This was only one out of the many abuses Ruth suffered in the hands of her Aunt Susan. However, Ruth never resented her, she loved her and never spoke ill of her. She called her ‘mom’ and always showed off the gifts she got from her to her friends telling them how her mom got her pretty things, regardless of the fact that this happened on rare occasions, she cherished them
    Three days after the letter writing incidence, Ruth and her little cousin were home alone with Aunt Susan, it was a Saturday and her uncle had travelled the day before. Ruth went in to Aunt Susan’s room to continue her chores but she saw her lying down on the bed looking almost blue . She looked terribly sick, she was gasping for air and she was so weak. Ruth immediately rushed to her side, tried helping her but she was too little to be of much help. She then ran out to the neighbors telling them mommy wasn’t feeling too well. Aunt Susan was rushed to the hospital and Ruth prayed for her quick recovery. She cried and asked God to keep mommy safe. She was very happy when she was told she would be discharged the next day. She woke up early, cleaned the house and made sure everything was perfect for her return. She overheard their neighbor telling her uncle that Ruth had saved her Aunt Susan’s life that the doctor said a little delay could have killed her.

 The next Monday in school, one of Ruth’s friends, Emilia who had just read a storybook about an orphan girl and her wicked aunt asked Ruth if her aunt was like that with her. Ruth said her aunt was the best and that she got her gifts and only spanked her where necessary. She always spoke well about her Aunt and her family, some of her friends even wished they were in her shoes and they never hid their envy. Ruth told people her aunt was perfect and never resented her. Her mom however saw the scars on her body and noticed she was being abused, she took her away from Aunt Susan. Ruth loved her aunt even with all the flaws she had, she never once wished her evil. I know many people at this point already think this is a fiction, like one of those movies you see in Nollywood but I tell you it’s not a fiction. It is very real, Ruth is now a big girl.
    
      Aunt Susan was nowhere near perfect, some people will say she was a very wicked woman, some will say she was evil, even say she was both. Many of us will find it difficult showing that kind of person love and affection. You think that’s the height of wickedness, wait till you read the next story.

Be Still

Hello loves! Just like every other post on this blog, this post is about The Lover and us and it has a great personal experience attached to it .

     So many things have happened in the past two/three weeks. I was hospitalised, was bedridden, I even had to use a ventilator  for like four days. I felt so many emotions ;  I was angry at first, then I became seriously bothered, I  even thought about death for like ten minutes, the  things that bothered me as regards that were my mom and the number of songs I was yet to write(seems funny, but it has a whole lot attached to it). It didn't take long for the "death thing" to die because even though I was physically    weak, I still felt full of life.( I can't st op laughing about it now)   But later I became indifferent about the whole situation . I acted like I didn't really care about the outcome of the whole situation.. I didn't sing or listen to any song,It was that bad! Then the visions started.....(let's stop here for now) I can guess  the question on your mind now "where is  she headed?".
,shhhhhhhh......Be Still.    

 Psalm 40:16(KJV): "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth". This portion of the scriptures is one of the most quoted. But what does it mean to be stlil? why is there a need for it?

WHAT IT MEANS:
         Being still is a spiritual state of calmness. It refers to spiritual serenity. In this state, your ears are wide open to hear and your eyes clear to see. It means to step out of the traffic!

THE NEED FOR IT:
    At different points in our lives we will tread troubled paths, things will happen, things might crumble all around you, you can watch your plans all fail before your
eyes but what is the command? Be Still! Calm down, stand firm in faith, why? Because God is on our side! He loves us! Romans8:37 ;"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us". " we are "more than conquerors" this means we not just mere
conquerors. We walk through fire unscathed!    Yes, we will walk through fire
but it shouldn't hurt us, it should rather refine us,we should come out shining brighter and stronger, challenges should launch us into greater realms.  Remember all things work together for our good. I love the Message Bible version of Romans8:37 ; "None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us". To faze means "to disrupt the composure of" Ahahahah!
Got it?!! Tribulations should not make us run around ! They should not affect our composure. God wants us to enjoy life, fear and agitation won't let us enjoy life. He wants us to be always at peace, He wants us to live lives full of hope and remember, hope is a Person, Jesus. .

BE STILL! HE SPEAKS
  Psalm40:16(MSG) : “Step out of the
traffic! Take a long,     loving look at me,
your High God,     above politics, above everything.”  . So.....take a break! Move out of that heavy traffic , take a deep breath, pay close attention, He is saying something . Just as God provided the Israelites with daily manna, He provides us our daily bread; His word. His word comes forth per time so, always be in
alignment with Him.

BE STILL, LET HIM TAKE CHARGE
    Sit!! and take a longggggggg loving look at your lover. Just behold Him, be still! Yes........stare at Him He's sure to return that stare! That loving gaze makes you melt like butter, all fear vanishes! He's ever ready! Let Him take  the wheel! C'mon..... He's a better driver than you are and He knows the suitable routes so,
all you need to do is to sit back and relax!
Don't be troubled!


   Now going back to my experience, those two weeks are still the best days I've lived so far! They have forever transformed me! I had wonderful encounters with God. There was only a need for me to Be Still and listen. Now, I'm beginning to feel
overwhelmed, there are so many things to
do, lots of work to catch up on. I'm beginning to feel troubled again, I've developed a bad habit of over thinking things. Glory to God! I know what to do, i'll be still and let Him take charge. I'll surrender the whole situation completely to Him just like a child that I am. Yes! I'm His baby. I'm never gonna lose my child likeness. He loves us and He pays close
attention to us( Psalms 36:5-6 God's love
is meteoric,
his loyalty astronomic,
His purpose titanic,
his verdicts oceanic.
Yet in his largeness
nothing gets lost;
Not a man, not a mouse,
slips through the cracks.)


  He's more interested in us than we are in ourselves.               It's a love affair!  

(Don't forget to drop your comments and share...love you!)

The Way

I'm all sweaty again,
My head in so much pain.
Shaking and panting,
My eyes are aching
Fever they say it is.


I stand, I sit,
I touch, I hit,
I'm restless.
I start pacing,
My heart is racing,
 I'm breathless.

What to do,
Where to go?
What to say,
Where's the way?
Fear has set in.

I calm down,
Reach deep within.
Then I feel it,
That warmth.....
My love! He's here.
I feel great again,
Giddy with excitement!
Fear disappears!
The Answer is here.

"I never left ", He says
The light shone!
He had been here all along
But I never carried Him along.
I was carried away,
Thinking I could find a way
But He was here, The Way.


               _Jedida